hail, olympia!

i feel like it's been a very long time since i've written something thoughtful. i suppose most of what i yammer on about is relatively "thoughtful", but not "thoughtful" in the most literal, dictionary-esque version. more like brain diarrhea that is slightly eloquent.

so i watched the olympics for the first time tonight. sochi? it sounds like it should be in asia.
i know it hasn't been a long time since the olympics have officially started, but i've also apparently missed a couple of medals. i've more or less boycotted (in my own living room) watching the olympics because:

a) i don't really understand why on earth anyone would want to host the olympics in a post-soviet, you-need-a-visa-to-enter country. the thought of entering that country gives me shudders, and

b) it's 2014, russia. i'm not trying to be an asshole, but i'm gonna be an asshole. homosexuality should no longer be a taboo because we are an advanced civilization, and if this is something that you struggle with, then fuck, you should probably just fly your terrifying propeller plans over to north korea and start a band.

but i'm really here to chat about the most hilarious thing the olympics has offered me thus far: women's freestyle skiing.

it's essentially border cross for skiers. sounds weird.

so i had a couple of drinks with my bestie sarah at the next act and then decided to visit the neighbours and watch some olympics.

we were stuck with women's freestyle skiing. and i'm not sure if it's cos i smoked a little "wacky tobaccy" or if i have a really dirty mind, or if the the commentator was just a total creep, but every comment that came out of this guy's mouth was pure GOLD.

if you need an idea of what i'm talking about, just do the 'ole #filthlympics on facebook and you'll have a few laughs courtesy of the commentator for the slovakian chick, and us rewinding the run so we could quote him verbatim.

ooooh, olympics. 2014 in sochi seems so ironic to me.

tales from the bong #11

i'm not sure if i've already blogged about this, but even if i did, i'm going to just repeat myself.

i become such a movie critic when i'm stoned. i don't know why this happens to me, but every time i decide to get baked and watch a movie, i find that i lose interest in it so fast because i am so critical of the acting. WTF!!! what a ridiculous side effect.

i'm currently watching "flight plan", a jodie foster movie about some chick who is on a plane with her daughter from berlin to new york. yeah, i never of heard of it too. anyway, a quarter of the way through i totally figured out what's going on in the movie and where and it's headed and how it's gonna end and i'm bored.

so bored that i decided to blog about my experience. thanks for reading!

tales from the bong #10

geez. alcohol is a really hilarious thing. it makes everyone way more hilarious, except for when you're watching cops. then it's not that hilarious. except for when you see meth addicts. then it's UBER hilarious.

i don't know why i haven't blogged in a while. it's actually quite sad that i haven't been able to share my stoner thoughts with everyone. WAAAMP WAAAMP WAAAAAAAAMP WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMP. hahaha ANYWAYS.

i want to give many hollers to my homies that find humour in my ridiculous stories. and i also want to thank marijuana and hendricks gin for supporting my bullshit. the best part about this is that it's FUCKING 10pm RIGHT NOW. wtf!!!

obviously i need to smoke more weed. ROFLLOLWTF#YOLO#HOLLAI'MDRUNK.

ok. the end!

FINALLY.

Hahaha this is so hilarious. I can’t really see straight cos I’m mega stoned, and as I was washing my face I had a serious look in the mirror and realized how MASSIVE my pupils were. Hahahaha FUCKING. BEST.

So yeah, I did some mushrooms. And realized that mushrooms, tequila & marijuana is probs the best combo ever. Anyway, yeah, things are really way more hilarious and “groovy”. The lines on the towel were not quite so straight and the hardwood on the floor was slightly more wobbly. CUE LAUGHTER.

Now I’m sitting on my couch staring at my laptop, listening to r Kelly and trying to figure out which way the keyboard is moving under my fingers. And laughing so hard.

Welcome back to your blog, Lydia!

internet wtf of the week: incessant "lol"ing

I'm not sure what's going on these days for me to be so absent. Maybe it's the fact that as soon as I'm off work, I tend to tunnel-vision getting home, which makes my brain tunnel-vision thoughts as well. Maybe it's because the weather is so Vancouver-esque that I can't help but sleep all the time. Or maybe it's the simple fact that as soon as I get home, weed and television and eating take precedence over everything.

Anyway, regardless, I'm baaaaaack! And I promise that I will not just disappear like that again. Life gets really hectic sometimes.

So, to kick off my return (and to finally give you this week's goods), I am going to rant about today's "internet wtf of the week". Cue applause!

Everyone who knows me personally understands my deep-seeded hatred for internet acronyms (with the exception of "brb", that one seems to be my favourite and I've also somehow used it enough for it to have morphed into a word in my vocabulary). My most hated, in particular, is the eponymous "lol".

Now, I don't really give a shit if you the "lol", it IS 2013 after all and people (including myself) are becoming progressively lazier in that we refuse to use full words to describe how we feel or some kind of action we may have just made. But there's something about "lol"ing which just boils my blood.

I think what it is is not so much the "lol" in and of itself, it's the fact that people use "lol" so fucking much to the point that I want to smash my computer. Are you really laughing THAT much? Like, ALL THE TIME? And do you still "laugh out loud" when it's not appropriate? Because 80% of the time when you inject "lol" in a sentence, it doesn't make very much sense.

So, people of the internet, please stop using "lol" to point where it doesn't even fit it. Especially starting and ending the same sentence with "lol". We got the fucking point the first time you said it.

Try such interjections as "um", "like", "but", or "and" (if those are actually even interjections... I'm just making shit up at this point). Most of the time when you throw "lol" in a sentence, your brain is probably trying to think of words like the those mentioned above, but your fingers are used to "laughing out loud".

STOP IT. Please, for the love of god. It's really fucking annoying. And I know your vocabulary can extend beyond three letters. Sigh.

Happy Friday, errrbody!

(I will be inviting "contributing editors" -- yeah, I know -- to submit any internet rants they may have, so email me at voteshortee@gmail.com if you want to submit a rant cos clearly I like to disappear for long periods of time)

tales from the bong #8

so i came home tonight and reached for the bong and guess what? that shit was already packed! i'm pretty sure it was totally a fluke because i was really stoned last night and packed the bong but obviously just passed out on the couch. but it was still a really dope surprise. WINNING! i think i'm going to make that part of a bedtime ritual -- packing the bong before i send my mind to outer space so, when 24 hours later i am dying to get baked, it's ready to go. lock that one in the vault, lydia.

anyway, today's conversation is about hugs. haha how random and weird and hippie of me to start my post like that, but they are definitely more powerful than you think. observe:


hugs. they can tell you so much about a person. they can give you an idea of how compassionate that person is toward you. they can either be heart-warming or totally fake.

last night i felt like there were hugs all around. when it's been a while since you've seen a huge group of people, you're bound to be saying hello more than verbally. hugs, high-fives, head nods.

the one thing i have a hard time grasping is the fact that, regardless of how people feel about each other, they feel like it's some kind of social grace; that it's almost necessary to hug someone (whether or not it's someone that is close to them or not) when they see them.

not always so, my friends. as much as you would think that your hug is sincere and a gesture of general niceness, people can tell when you're full of shit and just doing it to be "nice".

just a heads up: your hugs are bullshit, and it shows in how intimate your hug is, how long your hug was, and the strength in which you squeezed. if i'm going to receive and genuine and authentic hug, i want it to be legit and i want you make it incredibly apparent.

so next time you're doling out hugs to everyone, maybe give that one person you're not 100% into a pound or something so they don't feel like you're just doing it because it may be the acceptable thing to do in whatever scenario.

hugs can definitely be more vicious that way.

biscuits and graaaavy and everything's crazy

Last night the lightbulb went off in my brain for "highdeas" (you know, those amazing ideas you get when your lazy, thc-filled brain can only think of the easiest, most non-labour-intensive way to make something satisfying for the stoner palette).

I decided to have an impromptu pizza party at my place that turned into copious amounts of conversation, copious amounts of booze, and an unnecessary amount of food and weed. Obviously everything was ingested and good times were had.

My bestie sarah was pretty much at the helm of this ingenious idea when we had a text conversation yesterday. I had replied to one of her texts with the word "gravy", to which she replied back "biscuits and gravy", and naturally my brain added sausage gravy to pizza dough with cheese. And thus the spawn of southern and italian cuisines was introduced to the world.

So sure enough, I decided to go to the store, buy a ridiculously large pack of bratwurst sausages (or if you make your own, that would suffice tenfold!) and some individual-sized pizza crusts and got to work.

Here's a recipe for something that I promise you will never regret everytime you put it into your body (and is so easy to make, you can do this shit in your sleep!).

- 1 pack individual-sized pizza crusts (there should be about 3 or 4 in each pack)
- 2 teaspoons vegetable oil
- half a medium yellow onion, diced finely
- 5 bratwurst sausages, casings removed
- 2 cloves garlic, minced
- half teaspoon each garlic powder and onion powder
- 1 heaping tablespoon all-purpose flour
- 1.5 cups milk or half + half
- salt, pepper + paprika to taste

And here's the easiest part, putting it together!

Grab a medium-sized saucepan, turn the heat up to medium-high and once that shit gets hot, dump the oil in there. As soon as THAT gets hot, dump the sausage in the saucepan. Let that shit cook and be sure to smash the sausage up so it looks kinda ground-beefy. Once the sausage is about 80% cooked, throw in the onions and garlic and let cook until they become soft and the rest of the meat is fully cooked.

Once that's done, dump the flour into the mixture and incorporate. Once your mixture has kind of turned into a pasty-looking kinda thing,

Cook out the flour for a couple of min, then add in your milk/half + half. Turn heat up a bit higher and let mixture thicken. Once you've reached a desired consistency, add in your garlic and onion powder and salt and pepper, and you're good to go!

Once the gravy is done, scoop ladles of it onto your pizza crust, and preheat oven to 350F. When it's heated to the proper temperature, throw that shit in there and let it bake for about 20 min. Take it out, sprinkle some parmesan cheese on top and broil for 7 min.

Take out, let cool, smoke a bowl or a joint, and smash the shit back. YOU'RE WELCOME.